I have never been skinny. My sister is skinny. Some of the prettiest girls I know are skinny. I do not consider their thiness to be one with thier beauty; I know girls who are not skinny who are perhaps more beautiful to me because of this.

However, I cannot separate the two for myself. If I am not skinny, then I am fat. If I am fat, I am ugly. My father is disgusted, the people on the street look at me sideways as if they will catch my fat disease, I worry my husband will stop loving me. Even now that I have lost weight in a bid to be healthy, there is still ugliness. The stretch marks that mar my skin even though I have not born children. Battle scars of a war that everyone can tell you is your fault because you were lazy/ate too much/are disgusting. My breasts are too large and immodest for my current size. I am STILL not thin, and I am worthless.

Women are worthy when they are beautiful. They decorate the public space and our bodies are used to sell things, to entice. The slim bodies are pasted on buses, buildings and in magazines showing me what I am supposed to be, but cannot seem to attain. I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. How do I reconcile my strengths to this all encompassing weakness? I do not know, and I struggle with it continually. Through it all, my husband supports me. He looks at me and likes what he sees. I cannot see it, but I humor him because I love him.

Even through all of this self loathing, I like the person that I am. I get things done. I love feeling the power of my muscles when I work out, how strong my body is and how far it can take me. My mind is strong-I pursue the things that interest me, use the will power I have to stay on track. My hands build things that are useful, and craft items that are fun. They do the laundry and clean and take care of those I love.

The person inhabiting this body is so much more than what other people see.

I just submitted my story and I hit Submit before I could save a copy myself!! How can I access my story now??