Unconditional Love

It's so hard to find a beginning of the "Story of my Body" but I can remember even as a child feeling embarrassed to be seen naked and feeling like other girls looked better than me before it became a teenage obsession. I know through all the personal healing I have done over the past 20 years that it all goes back to being sexually abused for years by family "friends" beginning at the age of 5 years old. I also know that I have never been so happy and in love with myself AS I AM now.

Like many women I know, being manipulated and violated on the mental and physical level at a young age really screws our heads up for a while. The beautiful thing is that we really do hold the power within us to reshape our way of thinking about ourselves and also they way we see ourselves. It's not easy and it's not quick but it's most definitely possible. I believe for myself the way I responded later to the abuse was through Self-sabotage. I didn't know this until years later but see all the little things that use to be my obsessions were really my way of making myself continue to feel ashamed, even though I knew it wasn't my fault.

When I was an early teenager, I exercised like crazy but once I hit 16 years old, my body was changing and I couldn't handle the changes. I become anorexic first then eventually seriously bulimic. I wanted to commit suicide more times than I can count because I couldn't control it and eventually used alcohol and drugs to keep me skinny and numb to the self hatred I had. Every comment about how skinny I was fed me to become skinnier, which eventually became my own personal competition. I was in a really dark place by the time I graduated high school and feel like I'm lucky to be alive with all the abuse and risks I took over the next several years.

Eventually I started to wake up. I know that yoga has been one reason I have come to love myself unconditionally. Even when I was doing all the wrong things to stay skinny, I still enjoyed being active. When I first tried yoga, something happened and little did I know at the time, it would be what saved me from killing myself and my way of living fully while helping others to feel awesome. Even after having 2 children and setting addiction aside, I still would make myself vomit if I felt the need until a trip to Costa Rica in 2008. I was at a yoga retreat and we practiced a fire ceremony with Ganesha Mantra as we threw rice in the fire and brought to mind our wrong doings, I realized I was doing wrong to myself with all the self-sabotaging behavior and it was time to burn it in the fire! I have not EVER made myself vomit from that day forward and truly love myself unconditionally for the first time ever in my life!

I have 3 children now, my youngest who is a girl and want to be a role model for her as well as other females. We can all have hang-ups and bad days but it's a true possibility to have Unconditional Love for your body. I use to have the idea "when I weigh this, or when I can wear that I will love myself". Those days are over and I am IN LOVE with who I am and my amazingly healthy and beautiful body. I am a Goddess and am proud of every accomplishment that has brought me to this peaceful place.

We all have our own issues to deal with and mine are slowly fading away. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and really just don't give a shit if someone cares about my cellulite. Or maybe it's because I know life is much bigger than the tiny hang-ups I personally hold onto. "My Little Monster" still lives inside me but now is being nurtured by me instead of pushed down and hidden away. I know when it needs attention and use my yoga practice and healthy lifestyle to keep it happy. I live now at a higher vibrational frequency than ever before and LOVE my life and my body.

Namaste.