Pregnant With Two And Just One Heart Beat: This Is Bek's Story

(Photo not of the author. By Jade Beall)

A few days ago, I received this beautiful and heart-wrenching email from a woman. Her name is Bek and she wrote:

"I'm not sure if you will ever see this message. But just in case you do, I need you to know something. You and I will never meet. We will never shake hands, we will never verbally speak to one another, and I will never be able to thank you properly.

Several months ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS. My husband and I had tried for several, painful, years to become pregnant with our first child. Without medical treatment, conception would not happen. My body does not ovulate. We discussed treatment and moved forward. Treatment started in December 2013 and in January of this year, after just one round of treatment and an IuI procedure, we discovered we were pregnant.

We found out, at 6 weeks along, we were having twins. Twins happened naturally, as they run in our families. We shocked our doctor when we all saw two little ones growing. We heard their hearts beating. They both had such strong heartbeats. One baby was measuring one day behind, one was measuring two days ahead.

Two weeks later, my husband and I went back for another ultrasound. Both babies were growing. Two strong heartbeats. One baby was measuring two days behind, the other was measuring two days ahead. Two weeks later, we transferred from the fertility clinic to my OB. This time, though, there was only one heartbeat. We lost our baby. I lost my baby. The baby stopped growing right after the previous ultrasound - the baby measured the exact same. The other baby still measured two days bigger. In the beauty of the ultrasound, I saw my thriving baby and the baby I lost. My heart broke. After several years of my body failing me, failing to do something so natural, we were finally having our babies. And then one was taken from me.

It's been less than a week since we found out our baby died. I will carry a dead baby while the other baby grows and thrives. I will always have the pain of knowing I will never meet this child of mine.

I find myself on your page, looking for and finding, hope and encouragement - that just because our bodies fail us doesn't mean we are any less amazing. I lost a baby. But my other baby thrives. And I am helping that baby grow. I will love this child, this miracle of mine.

So I just wanted to thank you. For what you do. For photographing the big girls and the thin girls, the dark girls and the pale girls. For photographing the veteran mothers and the mothers to be, those with and without stretch marks. For showing us that we, in all of our imperfections, are beautiful and worthy. You are touching people in a way you'll never fully know. And you're inspiring us in a way we can never repay you for."

3D of the surviving twin:

This picture is from the Welcome Home Ceremony on June 26, 2013. Quinten had just returned from a year long deployment. It was the first time I had seen him since he deployed. Pure joy:

-Bek (Fort Wayne, IN)

Thank you thank you thank you Beautiful Bek.

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Showing 10 reactions

commented 2014-09-12 16:49:14 -0700 · Flag

Thank you for sharing your story. I never had compassion for women who lost babies before birth, until now. Thank you for opening up my heart. Thank you.

commented 2014-07-18 16:11:14 -0700 · Flag

You and I have the exact same story. Identical. I too had to use IVF to become pregnant. I too lost a twin at 7 weeks. The other twin is now 4.5 years old and a PISTOL. I often think what it would be like if there were two of her — God help me! But for me, the overwhelming feeling I felt at that fatal ultrasound was guilt: Guilt because I was so much more grateful that we had one baby thriving than I was upset that the other baby was gone. I felt like a monster because I wasn’t able to mourn the loss of the child that wasn’t out of relief for the child that was. Honestly, this is something I have never come to terms with. I’ve pushed it way, way down and have never spoken about it, not until right now, because you shared your story. God bless you Bek. I pray that the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing and I pray that, no matter what your body looks like before, during, or after, that you just focus on that little miracle. He/she will be your heartbeat for the rest of your life.

commented 2014-07-18 07:37:56 -0700 · Flag

Bek, God bless you for sharing your beautiful story. God works in mysterious ways and always has a reason why. You are blessed with one child but the other one you will love and live in your heart and memories for the rest of your life and that is beautiful memory to cherish. God bless you always. love them both always.

commented 2014-05-24 04:21:00 -0700 · Flag

I too went through IVF (3x) to create my beautiful amazing daughters. And like you, my youngest was a twin. Not an identical twin, but I twin, whom I lost at 7 weeks. I began bleeding and believed that after the weeks and months of pain and shots and drugs and bloating and surgery and hope and fear, I had lost this life I’d worked so hard to carry. But the ultrasound showed, just as yours did, that one baby was strong, and one had simply passed away next to her. I felt both elated and guilty when I heard that one strong heartbeat — I have my baby! My other baby is gone..

But I think this serves as a metaphor for all of our struggles with ourselves and our bodies and life in general: Will there be losses? Yes. Will we suffer? Yes. Is this world broken? Yes. But amongst the heartache and the pain, underneath, if you listen closely, is the small, steady heartbeat of the divine, just waiting to be heard.

Please listen.

commented 2014-05-20 23:47:32 -0700 · Flag

Bek,
My heart breaks for you. I lost both of my twins, Austin in the 1st tri-mester and Reily 26 hours after birth.
Reily would have been 23 this August and there are days it feels like it was yesterday and other days it feels like an eternity ago.
I have 3 healthy children now and I am thankful everyday for them.
Love them both, name them both and be thankful they both came into your life no matter how long.
Blessed Be

commented 2014-05-20 16:09:41 -0700 · Flag

Hi Bek, I’m so sorry for your loss. My story is so similar to yours and last week I had the very same news about one of my twins. I hope you are doing ok and staying hopeful for your survivor twin. Twin pregnancies are a miracle but also carry many worries! I wish you all the love and safety for the rest of your pregnancy. I am sure you will never forget the little one, and your survivor will be so very loved.
Jade’s website has reminded me that there is hope as I was feeling hopeless, that our bodies are amazing and strong and capable.
Hannah, Sydney Australia.

commented 2014-05-07 15:42:50 -0700 · Flag

Thanks for sharing your story with us! I stillborn my first baby and then I eas pregnant with four babies…but only three with hearthbeat. I know about your pain! I wish you power to get through your loss!

commented 2014-05-07 08:13:58 -0700 · Flag

Bek, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your story - you are incredibly strong and courageous for doing so and if you ever feel up to sharing your story through portraiture, please know that I am a Jade Beall approved photographer based in Bloomington, IN. If you ever do want truthful portraits of your beautiful self, please let me know. xoxo, Natasha (www.femmeography.com)

commented 2014-05-06 22:24:35 -0700 · Flag

My heart breaks for you…I’m so sorry you had to experience this. You are an amazing woman.

commented 2014-05-06 19:52:15 -0700 · Flag

Bek, you are completely wonderful and so, so strong. You are a fantastic woman, knowing you will only bring one baby home is an incredibly heart wrenching reality. But you are not alone, I know very much what it feels like to be in your shoes. You will get through this, and while you’ll only be able to bring one baby home, take pride in knowing you created two very magnificant miracles.