My bulimia was a more than just a habit. It was the anesthetic for the bricks and stones life hurled at me. It was a safeguard for when I felt out of control, unliked by peers, unworthy of love and redemption.

Purging gave me a high, a feeling of superiority, above all the bull I “ingested” on a daily basis. Bulimia numbed me from the reality of all things, good and bad. It felt so good to destroy my body before the world could attack. I developed a sense of self esteem founded on image, objectification, and superficiality, but little did I know it was destroying my core self.

My unhealthy body was supposed to be the key to perfection, however this was an unfortunate lie. My body was a bottomless receptacle for food that never filled me up, leaving me void of any sustenance, worth, or authenticity. I felt tainted, utterly alone, dumb for anything I did, with pangs of pain within. I cried for unconditional love, love that was not based on performance in life or body image. Worst of all, I became a stranger to my feminine wisdom, power, and intuition and needed intervention.

The wild woman within me was stirring, waiting to guide me back. She found me at the bottom of a deep hole. One I dug, teaspoon by teaspoon over the past years. So, it seems I had to fill it back up – spoonful at a time to eventually stand higher than when I first began. Through this continuous journey I have gained gems of wisdom and dance more freely to the beat of my own drum as my wild woman sings:

“Although life may be difficult and mysterious, I will walk through the shadow of the unknown and re-emerge richer and fuller each time. I will take all situations handed to me, breath by breath, open to the process with fluidity. With each difficult moment comes a gamut of gifts to be received. And as I sit and await, I no longer view the future as my tragedy.

Recovery is the journey where I cultivate unfaltering faith, discover a deep, grounded acceptance of the “ME” of my truest self, and welcome the entrance of others’ spirits into my world. Any experience beyond these basics, are what I call the greater gifts of life.

I will make it through this journey, spirit will care for me where it needs be. I have my responsibilities and duty, my calling to heal, but can cast my worries elsewhere. I may feel desolate or alone, but in my truest of hearts, I know with out a doubt I am far from this. The love and magnificence of the world surrounds me and aids the growing love for myself and my fire for life.

The universe, is always on my side, aligned with my mind, body, and soul to shift the path of destruction to one of faith and intention. My hearts greatest desire is to find myself and continually live from a place of authenticity and compassion. I will always attempt to live in integrity with all beings and Mother Earth.

I have so much to offer as does everyone else. I know that in my plight of pain I’ve learned to distrust and find cynicism in the things which are right. The poignant emotions have been turned into a poison, stripping my life of color. My fair buds have been trampled which have made me rigid. This way of self preservation was valid at one point, however, this means of protection no longer serves me. It turns me to ice from all things and isolates my heart. Instead of hiding, defying, and ignoring my brilliance, beauty and body, I am here to embrace, cultivate, and protect it. Past, present, and future tribulations may seem insurmountable, but my light can never be stripped from me. It is in everything about me-my physical self, my spirit, my essence. It is a god given gift for me to treasure and do right by. IT IS SACRED…GIFTED TO ME…MINE TO OWN.

I will triumph from these challenges with more insight, clarity, compassion, and tools to approach life ahead. I will find strength and reassurance in my own voice once again and trust in my inner-knowing and a higher source. My ability to let go is key. It is time for me to relinquish control; to not tell my story or decide my destination.

I’ve always avoided or tried to rid the turmoil within, however, it is not until I begin to embrace, acknowledge, explore, and embrace the pain that I can begin to heal from it. I will just perpetuate its existence, compounding further suffering. The key is to succumb in order to overcome. I will walk through the gates of Hades to resurface more enriched and humbled.

I will not fear my potential, my passion, my highest self…My power. I will harness my light and nurture it, coaxing it to develop into a beautiful star. I will not limit my self, take the back seat, or just succumb to the ordinary. I want more."

Acceptance of my body has been by far the most difficult aspect of this process, but I find strength if I am willing to face each day. When I fall astray, I just have to remind myself of that voice within that says “I want more… I deserve more… I am more.. I am.”

-Janice Tham

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