It's one thing to photograph other women, but to experience being on the other side of the lens was a journey for own self that I did not expect. At. All.
I've witnessed many womens' Femmeography photo-sessions and I'll tell ya, I've envied all of their experiences. They appeared to be having so much fun; dancing around to their favorite songs, stretching and feeling relaxed and energized; feeling witnessed and appreciated - I decided I too wanted to experience this!
So, my neighbor and awesome friend, Melanie Penney, made this happen. She had never held a dSLR camera before, but I spent a minute or two explaining the basics and there she went. The session was marvelous. I danced and moved ecstatically - feeling free and safe. I knew my friend loved me and whatever she saw in me, I trusted that she thought it was beautiful.
The next part is what I did not expect. This is the part that I have not witnessed because I have never been there when a woman first sees her Femmeography photographs. I'm not sure if this is what they've also gone through, but this was my experience:
The best way I could describe my reaction to the photographs was a deep sensation of awe - both in a positive and negative sense. I was in awe of how much fun and in the moment I looked, but simultaneously I was in shock to see my less favorable features of my body exposed. It was there. I couldn't hide from it. "Oh geez," I thought, "look at my stretch marks...and my wrinkly belly...and my five o'clock shadow armpits..." It was painful. I didn't like it.
But then, I kept looking back at the photographs. I started to notice other things; how soft my skin looked, the pretty shape of my face, my cute expressions, the rounded, sexy curves. I was allowing myself to study my portraits and learn to appreciate my beauty. I gave myself the attention and positive feedback that I always made sure to give to the women I photographed - not just to make them feel better, but because I truly believed that they were beautiful. I was another woman that needed to know this; I needed the non-judgmental, all-loving acceptance of my beauty.
The Femmeography process has helped me objectively see myself. The bad parts, I was already well practiced at observing - but I learned to also see the good parts. I no longer feel that I have to worry whether or not I'm good enough looking. I don't need to waste my brain power or stress and worry about my wrinkles and fat. All I have to remember is that I am alive and my body allows me to breath and move - that is its sole purpose, and that's beautiful.
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