Two Fridays ago, on December 6th of the lovely year of 2013, I had an experience that profoundly changed how I think about myself for the better. It all happened at my crazy and heartfelt TEDx Talk about A Beautiful Body Project in front of over 500 people here in Tucson! (All photos in this post are by the talented Ali Megan Photography). But this writing actually isn't about my TED Talk at all.

You see, after having done several public speaking events in the last few months which left me feeling sad & disappointed in myself, I decided that, for my TED Talk, I was going to have FUN and yes, be my freaky, weird and wholehearted self (as Dr. Brenè Brown says) in order to tell my story, my way. But that's not so easy to do, you know, to be one's self, especially if you have lived 25 of your three decades and a half precious years of life wrestling with self-loathing while often being called 'weird' and 'freaky' like I have.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brenè Brow

Often people say to me, "You preach 'be yourself.' So aren't you always yourself?" The answer is no. Oh no no no.... That is, not until recently. Since I can remember I learned how to play roles, to be like others who maybe I was inspired by or maybe I thought others liked better. Why did I do this? Most likely to find some crumbs of acceptance like so many of us do often without even knowing we are playing roles to please others while distancing ourselves from our own authentic voice. In the case of the talks I have recently been giving, I was 'trying' to be someone that I'm not, like a professor, or a researcher or some other professional who I thought deserved to be speaking, because who was I? Just a chick from Tucson Arizona with zero impressive titles besides LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist). Plus I like to get freaky. I like to hug and dance in the street and tell strangers that they are beautiful! For years, I have been taught to repress my freaky side to most of the world because I have been told, and I have witnessed, that to get a bit wild on stage or in life, to hoot and holler, to dance and scream, scares a lot of people. But the thing is, it also inspirers a lot a lot a lot of people...

If any of you who have ever come to my dances classes on Friday nights, YOU are well aware of my cray-cray nature as I encourage-bordering-on-require my dance students to scream and cry, to let go of all the pre-programming we have adopted about how to hold back, how to avoid, at all costs, ever appearing even the slightest bit freaky or weird or heaven's forbid: to be your own, authentic SELF. And so, I went for it that night, with the bright lights, on that stage in Tucson. I let it rip!

One of my inspirations, Singer and Songwriter Michael Franti says in one of his songs, "All The Freaky People Make The Beauty Of The World." which is a line that resonates with me deeply.

I Finally Let Myself Be Proud Of Myself

The very best part of the talk though was the fact that I didn't go home and beat myself up the night after my Tedx Talk for being ME and talking passionately about this work that I LOVE, that ALL women are beautiful, we just need to re-learn how to see authentically! And I didn't allow myself to dip back into my patterns of self-loathing the next day or the next or even today. I finally let myself be proud of myself and to feel the JOY of being LMT and Jade Beall self, while saying the things I wanted to say, grabbing my fat rolls, cellulite & all to make a very important point about body love and #selflove.

I am proud to say, officially, that I didn't jeopardize myself from feeling joy in it's entirety this time.

Because most of the time, you know in my past, when I felt JOY-full, I would sooner or later find a reason to hate myself, that is, I would jeopardize my well earned joy and and watch it slip away and evaporate, like dry ice, replaced by a furrowed brow and hunched shoulders and thoughts that sound like 'I suck.'

Don't get me wrong, every day since the talk I have been trying to convince myself that the world now knows how "out there" I am and that I should be ashamed because, well, I was so unlike all the other cool and composed talkers who make me teary with their amazing and well-spoken speeches and slides. And my brain and my old stories of unworthiness tried desperately to take my joy hostage. But the sunshine now, after years of practicing #selflove is too bright. So now I shake my head to clear the old stories of un-empowerment and I CHOOSE to turn off those old unauthentic voices of deficit and instead I smile, while feeling the cool and crisp Sonoran desert air on my face. Now I simply choose to Just. Be. Joyful.

And to do my best. I always always try to do my very best, from my heart that has know pain very well but is now a devoted fan of joy.

I should mention here that another phenomenal part of my talk was the fact that dozens and dozens of my sister-friends, a few of my brother-friends and my husband came to support me and cheered me on like some famous rockstar. I have to admit, it was a sensational feeling and they made the night a true success. Here is a photo of some of them an I afterwards, so beyond blessed to be supported by such love, I am:

“No one is born hating another person… People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” -Nelson Mandela

In-Joy,

-Jade