When I put out a call via social media that I was looking for brave Toronto-based women willing to tell them body stories for this powerful project, Meri was the first person to raise her hand and book her portrait session.

If outside perception means anything in this world, my skeptical brain couldn’t compute what she told me about herself: She is a three-time grandmother and a mother of four adult children. Other than the silvering hair, I wouldn’t have guessed that trajectory and certainly couldn’t detect any body image concerns.

It’s Meri’s bright blue eyes that pull you in. She’s one of those people with classic, natural beauty and an equally engaging personality. Her energy is youthful, playful, and strong.

When she started to tell me her story, the first words she said almost didn’t fit. “I have fat eyes,” she said. Meaning, she sees herself only through the lens of fat. She has been up and down in weight since she had her first child at 18.

“When I look in the mirror I don’t see what everyone else sees. As a kid, if you have blonde hair, blue eyes, you are the epitome of what everybody wants. But, when I looked in the mirror, even when I was a competitive swimmer, totally fit, I’d still look in the mirror and see fat,” she explained.

She had a skewed view of her body, also known as body dysmorphia, where there is a perceived, often unrealistically negative, body image defect. She calls this her fat eyes. As she gained weight, she convinced herself that it was fine because she was already fat, so getting fatter didn’t matter. She was focused on raising her kids.

After the kids grew up, Meri came out as a lesbian. She was able to start focusing on herself more and lost weight. But, she says, she still maintains her fat eyes. “Even though I’ve lost 75-80 pounds, I still very much see myself as that 240-pound woman.”

She does say she’s more aware now though. “I look at my body and think, “Your body housed four kids. Your body has stretch marks and flaws, but you had four kids. So, you’re a little flabby.” If I’m honest in my relationships, I can use my body as an excuse. I’m not wanted because I’m overweight, that’s easy. Instead of focusing on the real reason why I’m not wanted.”

When Meri met her girlfriend, she explained her body issues. One of the first things she told her was that she has belly fat. “It’s a map of my life. It is what it is. It’s a map of how I got here.” She can now easily say that if her girlfriend has an issue with her belly fat, that’s her issue to deal with, not Meri’s.

Meri raised her hand to be a part of this project as a way of healing herself from this pain. “I don’t think I’m beautiful, but I don’t think I’m ugly. You get to choose who sees your body and change your thought process.” Tattooed around Meri’s upper body are the words, “Integrity is more important than knowledge.” She has found her way as she navigates her body’s message.

~ Zoë Gemelli is an ABBP Photographer photographer and writer based in Toronto, Canada. To book a shoot with her or learn more about her work, visit: http://zoegemelli.com/

To book a shoot with ABB Project Founder Jade Beall at her Tucson, Arizona studio, visit www.JadeBeall.com