I had a dream about painting. I was told that my painting would be critiqued negatively. I nervously brought one of my paintings forth to a master. He spoke, “It is like you are Picasso trying to paint Picasso outside of himself.” His words hit me deeply, as if every single cell of my soul knew exactly what he meant. He continued, “You have to remove the block.” “How do I do that?” I asked. He spoke these last words boldly as they embedded into my blood, “Paint it.”

And so I did. I listened and I painted my block. My block was me. I painted my body November 1st, 2013 as part of the BE-Loved Body Empowerment Experience. As I sit down to write about this I’m still not sure I can. It’s one thing to deeply experience something inside yourself, but to share it in a way to try and draw you into the experience is another. I am comfortable nude; in my own skin. This has taken great courage and dedication to be here; a lot of forgiveness and nurturing. The painting part was easy. I had no problem watching as I painted my naked body in front of a mirror, with the photographer behind me. I was completely encapsulated with the experience. For me that was the easy part.

It was viewing myself in a photo that was like throwing myself into a bed of nails. Immediately the

discomfort was louder than at ease. The discomfort was like a million people shaming me in front of a

mimicking crowd. There was so much pain. I couldn’t bare it, all from seeing myself painted in a photo.

I am not photo genetic.

Yes this I believed, as memories started to stir from deep inside my knees. How could I not see what was right in front of me. I literally could feel the pain from looking at me. Where did all the love go that I had thought I had relieved; all this pain, shame and darkness still lurking inside of me?

So this is what’s overcome me, an urgent poetry; to capture the experience of the truly disgusting me. I couldn’t wrap my head around this image that I see. How could I be me, free, loving endlessly inside this body?

I returned helplessly into a curled up fetus crying for some way to escape me. I’m so ugly, I’m so ugly, I’m so ugly. That was all I could feel in this bully tree. I cried endlessly, like everything I had worked for was taken from me. By who? An illusion of me?

But there was no escaping this insanity, as if God was wrapping his arms around me. If he was speaking then this is what he would have said, “At the deepest level of the sea, where you must hold your breath for what feels like eternity, only darkness you see, if you allow yourself to be here fully and breath, you will swallow salt water and you may think you will die, but the salt is purifying your soul from the inside.

You may cough and cry like you are not who you are, that’s truth you are not who you think you are. You are not this pain you feel, you are not the darkness bleeding, you are not ugly, fat, unworthy, stupid, you are seeding. You see, all these things you are feeling are releasing and I am transforming them into healing. Watch and see what happens with this revealing.”

I opened my eyes and I saw the light from the depths of the surface to the sea bottom in sight. I breathed in fully and the fear started to leave the night. I started to see star fish dancing, and jelly fish sway, and coral reefs glowing as if blooming in May. The light grew larger and the peace feeling calm and I could see in front of me millions of palms. Like the crowd before were now reaching to me, and as I drew closer I could see, the hands of millions who were healed from this experience of being revealed. He spoke again, “You see beloved Amy, you are not the only one who has felt; ugly, stupid, unworthy, and fat; these were not just your feelings dealt. To take off this heavy belt and let the sea purify it and turn it into love, sends love everywhere, infinitely. This is love; you have touched it here, by feeling all that pain you have bared for years. The ultimate act of courage and surrender is no act at all, only to remember this is who you are. Not who you think you see in a un-photo genic version of me. This light you see is the real beauty and it cannot be measured, it is infinity. You are infinitely shining brightly, that is bigger than your body or any form, for it is this same light of infinity that creates those forms indefinitely.”

I am taken back to the second line I heard in my dream; YOUR PAINTING WILL BE CRITIQUED

NEGATIVELY, only by the me who I don't believe is infinitely, indefinitely....love.

To learn more about Amy please visit her website www.freedomsense.ca

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