(All photographs by Jade Beall of Heather, mother of 3, in her phenomenal Taos based studio Sparrow Photography, more images below)

I have taken the last three weeks to decompress from working 24/7 over the last few years in the lush Sangre De Cristo mountains in Northern New Mexico. It's just me and my 2 and a half year old, in a cabin far away from most everything. I came here to find balance with my fear and darkness, or what one might label depression/anxiety which was becoming more and more difficult to turn into joy like I have always done with my 'depression' since I can remember. And since I have been on this 3 week retreat, I have been cared for and loved for by old friends and I had the honor to make these images of my best friend, Heather Sparrow of Sparrow Photography in the beautiful pueblo de Taos. And I am proud to say, I have successfully turned the darkness that was nearly paralyzing my brain and my heart back into something beautiful, into art that gives me enormous joy!

I am a huge advocate for manifesting happiness, cultivation joy, practicing self love! Almost everyone I meet lovingly thanks me for being such an inspiration and for being so joyful and outgoing. When I am at the grocery store or if I am photographing a client or a volunteer for A Beautiful Body Project, I give whomever is in my presence my wholehearted attention and positivity, because they deserve it. I rarely share my dark days with anyone, even my past lovers. I have avoided going deeper with several beautiful relationships because I didn't want them to see me in what I think are precious but afraid to be judged by my tender 'dark days.' I want to give the best to the world, and my pain I prefer to offer it in the form of art then words. I have never openly talked about my blues and fears until now because being vulnerable is my jam and I am ready to be open and unafraid how people will react if I am not only ecstatic and joyous!

If you think about it, the Universe is composed of both unyielding light and black holes to create it's masterpiece of a Universe. There cannot be only day with no sacred night. Rain clouds and sunshine play equally important roles in maintaining balance for our lives and our planet. And yet somehow I learned long ago to fear being entirely emotionally authentically me, because depression and fear are shamed by the rest of the world. We pretty much only praise tremendous strength! And of course strength is gorgeous, but we often forget there is strength in vulnerability and in the tender feelings of fear and uncertainty just as the moon has her dark sides too. We have powerful emotions that sometimes force us to dig even deeper to find more beauty in our amazing lives.

I think generally we need more help then we have been taught to ask for. My life began to be more in balance when I asked for help and received life coaching from the amazing Laura Fredrickson which started the process of turing my 'dark days' into artwork.

I wish that in high school I had been introduced to people like Brenè Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert who are successful women wholeheartedly open to sharing their creative process which can include paralyzing fear and maybe even darkness. I love what Gilbert says in an interview with Brenè Brown:

I believe that Creativity and Fear are basically conjoined twins; they share all the same major organs, and cannot be separated, one from the other, without killing them both. And you don’t want to murder Creativity just to destroy Fear! You must accept that Creativity cannot walk even one step forward except by marching side-by-side with its attached sibling of Fear.

I typically have about one dark/fear/wonder how I am going to make this path of mine work a week or sometimes less. In those times, I need to be quiet and I need to stay away from Facebook and other things that distract me from being present with how I feel. I need to honor the need for my being to be the dark phase of the moon. I doubt the moon is inpatient when she is fully dark, she is certain she will be filled with light again! I always know I can come through the darkness even when my brain is foggy with self-doubt and wonders if this time perhaps I will in fact be paralyzed by my fear. I trust I will be ok. I know that in my past, I have made beauty out of my fear so I TRUST I can do it again. I know to be dark is only one phase of the moon, but an important one. I read inspiring books that I have on hand for such occasions (like Brenè Browns books, and the 5 Agreements and The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz) that remind me that the creative process and life in general can be HARD, I can make it even harder if I choose to believe so, and yes I might fail at a project I want to launch or a relationship I want to have and yes that fear is BEAUTIFUL too! I use these tools and then write a blog or make more photos or edit photos or go for a walk in nature and sit listening to the songs of the winged-tribe. I have learned to fully appreciate my ability to feel pain and sorrow and darkness just as I love the fact that I can experience joy and ecstasy and deep self love and interconnected love! All of that means: I AM ALIVE!

So how exactly do I transform my fear and darkness into art and joy? Simple: By horning Fear and Darkness and not holding on to it so that even a bigger space in my heart opens to receive joy, abundance and love.

May we practice learning to love ourselves, inside and out, in all of our phases of our own moon cycle from bright to dark, and may we use our entire selves to create the masterpieces of our lives.

May we remember: There is beautiful strength in vulnerability. We are precious right now and I am here for you in all of your phases of light and dark. I honor you, just the way you are.